05 July 2013

Heavy Truths.

I'm afraid I haven't been entirely honest with you guys.
Actually, I haven't been totally honest with myself, either.

I haven't been particularly active on my blog in awhile, and at first it was easy to blame on being "too busy" while wedding planning.  Then I was honeymooning.  And then...

Well, and then.
And then I realized most of my problem was that I was feeling mostly flat out miserable.
All. The. Time.

It is a difficult thing to admit, but I don't know where all of these feelings are coming from.  I have been experiencing migraines with an even more annoying frequency, and even on days without a migraine I just feel a general sense of blah-ness.

But then!  Miracle of miracles, I stumbled across an article someplace on the internet of a woman experiencing similar "symptoms" as myself.  And her problem?  She wasn't getting enough vitamin B12.  Jeez I felt like I'd been hit in the head with a sledgehammer.  Vitamin b12 deficiencies can cause headaches, mood swings hair loss, loss of energy...basically, my life.  And then (big DUH moment right here) I remembered going to the dr a couple of years ago and having bloodwork done, and needing to get b12 shots for six months.  And yet, following this, I wasn't taking B12 supplements!  WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?  Point of story:  Yes, I'm taking B12 now and starting to feel a bit better. Wahoo!

But the second part of this untruthfulness is this:
All of my posts about being confident in your size and body and all?  Posting about how I'd tried and failed to lose weight and who really cares anyway?

I Care.

I've been telling myself for ages about how it's not that big of a deal, and my clothes still fit so I'll eat whatever...blah blah blah.  Except now I suddenly have to buy bras from Lane Bryant and pants from Torrid...WTF is happening?  (PS - Totally nothing wrong with those stores, but having NEVER been in plus - sizes before, yeah, kind of an issue to me)  I'M GAINING WEIGHT, OBVIOUSLY.

And it's not a good thing.  Truthfully, I don't mind how I look without clothes on.  My skin is like silk, honestly.  Sooo smooth (it's my favorite feature fyi).  But when, last weekend, I suddenly had problems zipping up a dress for a friend's wedding that I picked up and tried on (and zipped with NO problem) the same day as I picked up my (size 16) wedding dress?  Holy heart attack batman.  Not to mention the dress from my engagment photos last June that suddenly doesn't begin to cover my bazoomas.  Or the sleep shorts from last year that won't even pull on anymore.  To add insult to injury, my hubby's baby mama (who I'm suddenly friends with, a wonderful thing I never expected to have happen in this lifetime!) is suddenly looking fit and slim.  I found out she's been hitting the gym and jogging.  And she has FOUR kids.  Seriously, if a mama with 4 kids can find time and motivation to go to the gym, what the eff is my problem??

I'M LAZY.  If it doesn't show results like NOW I want nothing to do with it.  So I've come to the conclusion that I need to just suck it up and do it.  I'm not going to spend $$ to replace my whole wardrobe this summer, or this fall, or even next summer.  I'm going to fit into what I own.  And if I do have to replace my clothes, it better be with SMALLER sizes, not larger.  I have two baby nephews...I'm not going to be the fat aunt who can't run around and play with them for more than two minutes without getting winded.  I'm not going to be the girl who everyone has to slow down for when walking someplace.  I'm not going to give up this time.


Oh, and I'm not friggin weighing myself this time.  Or taking measurements either.  I feel like I set myself up for disappointment when I do those things...I'll be going directly on feel...and by that I mean how I feel.  How my clothes fit, how my body feels. 

I have just made the dramatic switch to gluten free & clean eating...which is really expensive, so I hope it will be worth it!!

I love you all for sticking around even when I don't post anything.



Traci said...

I hear you. I say that I don't care but it's not true. I do. but for similar reasons as you. I lost my dad young and I don't want my kid to ever feel that pain simply because I wanna eat Burger King every day. Let's be honest, that doesn't just mess with the way I look but also the way I physically feel. Reflux, back & knee pain because I weigh more than I ever have and my frame is all "wtf?!" and not to mention the gastrointestinal issues. I gained 15 lbs in the last two months because I stopped caring and all I can say is that I feel like I am knocking on deaths door. It has more to do with that but I'd be lying if I said that what I see in the mirror has meat all excited too. It's a thin line between accepting and loving your body and just feeling/being unhealthy too. Good luck, lady! Glad to see you posting again and glad that you figured out why you've been feeling down and on your way to feeling better. B12.... who knew?!

The Lovely One said...

I feel your pain. I so want to feel confident in my own skin, but it's next to impossible to do. I've made the committment not weigh myself and to not to say anything bad about myself for the entire month of July. Good luck to both of us!