Heavy Truths.

I'm afraid I haven't been entirely honest with you guys.

Actually, I haven't been totally honest with myself, either.

I haven't been particularly active on my blog in awhile, and at first it was easy to blame on being "too busy" while wedding planning.  Then I was honeymooning.  And then...

Well, and then.

And then I realized most of my problem was that I was feeling mostly flat out miserable.

All. The. Time.

It is a difficult thing to admit, but I don't know where all of these feelings are coming from.  I have been experiencing migraines with an even more annoying frequency, and even on days without a migraine I just feel a general sense of blah-ness.

But then!  Miracle of miracles, I stumbled across an article someplace on the internet of a woman experiencing similar "symptoms" as myself.  And her problem?  She wasn't getting enough vitamin B12.  Jeez I felt like I'd been hit in the head with a sledgehammer.  Vitamin b12 deficiencies can cause headaches, mood swings hair loss, loss of energy...basically, my life.  And then (big DUH moment right here) I remembered going to the dr a couple of years ago and having bloodwork done, and needing to get b12 shots for six months.  And yet, following this, I wasn't taking B12 supplements!  WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?  Point of story:  Yes, I'm taking B12 now and starting to feel a bit better. Wahoo!

But the second part of this untruthfulness is this:

All of my posts about being confident in your size and body and all?  Posting about how I'd tried and failed to lose weight and who really cares anyway?

I Care.

I've been telling myself for ages about how it's not that big of a deal, and my clothes still fit so I'll eat whatever...blah blah blah.  Except now I suddenly have to buy bras from Lane Bryant and pants from Torrid...WTF is happening?  (PS - Totally nothing wrong with those stores, but having NEVER been in plus - sizes before, yeah, kind of an issue to me)  I'M GAINING WEIGHT, OBVIOUSLY.

And it's not a good thing.  Truthfully, I don't mind how I look without clothes on.  My skin is like silk, honestly.  Sooo smooth (it's my favorite feature fyi).  But when, last weekend, I suddenly had problems zipping up a dress for a friend's wedding that I picked up and tried on (and zipped with NO problem) the same day as I picked up my (size 16) wedding dress?  Holy heart attack batman.  Not to mention the dress from my engagment photos last June that suddenly doesn't begin to cover my bazoomas.  Or the sleep shorts from last year that won't even pull on anymore.  To add insult to injury, my hubby's baby mama (who I'm suddenly friends with, a wonderful thing I never expected to have happen in this lifetime!) is suddenly looking fit and slim.  I found out she's been hitting the gym and jogging.  And she has FOUR kids.  Seriously, if a mama with 4 kids can find time and motivation to go to the gym, what the eff is my problem??

I'M LAZY.  If it doesn't show results like NOW I want nothing to do with it.  So I've come to the conclusion that I need to just suck it up and do it.  I'm not going to spend $$ to replace my whole wardrobe this summer, or this fall, or even next summer.  I'm going to fit into what I own.  And if I do have to replace my clothes, it better be with SMALLER sizes, not larger.  I have two baby nephews...I'm not going to be the fat aunt who can't run around and play with them for more than two minutes without getting winded.  I'm not going to be the girl who everyone has to slow down for when walking someplace.  I'm not going to give up this time.

I WILL BE STRONG.

Oh, and I'm not friggin weighing myself this time.  Or taking measurements either.  I feel like I set myself up for disappointment when I do those things...I'll be going directly on feel...and by that I mean how I feel.  How my clothes fit, how my body feels. 

I have just made the dramatic switch to gluten free & clean eating...which is really expensive, so I hope it will be worth it!!

I love you all for sticking around even when I don't post anything.

<3

Monday's Lessons.

{I found all of these on Pintrest.  You can find them here}

Wedding Inspiration...Rustic

You might be seeing a lot of these in the coming months...

I am gettin' hitched in May, after all :)

These are some of my top "rustic" wedding pictures I've come across on Pinterest.

Pinterest is the best and worst site ever...It makes me second guess everything!!

But I still think this stuff is lovely, so here ya go.

cake - originally {here}

gorgeous invites - {here}

how awesome is this?  better than just married.  buy it {here}

lovely photo of the newlyweds...

the perfect simple bouquet - {here}

the perfect sentiment - {here}

On being beautiful.

I originally posted a variation of this back in May, when my blog was still tiny (and really, it IS still pretty tiny!) and I keep coming back to this post.  The past few months have been rough for me, and this, my own words, kind of keep me balanced. 

"Real women have curves."

I used to be comforted by this quote.
Never having been a size 2, even in middle school (seriously, that train just straight up missed me!) I was eager to grasp onto the idea that I was prettier than the "skinny girls", by virtue of having boobs.  I was a C cup by the eighth grade!  My sisters were always these skinny little things, and I knew that would never be me.

It took me a long time to realize that real women come in different shapes and sizes.

Not all women were built to be a size 14 or more, just as not all women were built to be a size 0.

Skinny isn't bad.

Chubby isn't bad.

{AsYouWishPrinting}

Real women are healthy.

It's not about your jean size.

It's about how you feel when you wake up in the morning.

It's about learning to love yourself for who you are, not who you think others want you to be.

It's about learning to have confidence in yourself.

{via}

Real women are confident.

Size 20, size 2 - if you're insecure, or selfish, or catty, or kindhearted, it shows through.

A woman can be ugly at a size two, and beautiful at a size 20.

It's about attitude.

You can wear all the makeup and expensive clothes in the world, it doesn't cover up ugliness inside.

Be kind.  Inner beauty always shows through.

{mirilovelove}

...


I'm not a size two.  Or a size 6, or even a 12.
I'm a size 14. (Except in my special pants.)
I'm often too large to fit in XL shirts in my favorite stores.
I'm too small to fit into plus sized clothing.
I'm stuck in the world of in-between.

But.
I am Beautiful.
I can say this with with conviction, because I know it to be true.
It's not because of my makeup, or expensive clothes.
It's not because I've been blessed with a really great complexion, and my hair stylist is amazing.

It's because I have confidence in myself.
It's because I do my best every day to banish negativity from my life.
It's because I try every day to do something nice for someone else.
It's because I truly love myself, and who I am.
Getting there was a long and hard road, and I wouldn't change it for anything.
Every single step along the way, good and bad, have made me into who I am today.

My fiance's constant reassurances that I'm perfect don't hurt either ;-)

I know I'm not *actually* perfect.
I have many flaws.
I'm not always the nicest, most positive person in the world.

But I try to be.
I know that my voice alone can't change the world.

But if one simple thing that I post on the internet, helps one person who might be struggling with their self image, and their self esteem, then I have done my job as a human being to help someone else.
Making a difference can be as small as a smile.

A winner, some random stuff, and such.

Well let's begin at the beginning, shall we?

Guess who won the $25 credit to my shop, LolitaRose?

Sarah from Loveee, Sarah!

Secondly, I finally got a smartphone!

An iPhone to be specific.

I'm finally as cool as my mom {who's had one since the first gen...i think} and every 17 year old girl I know.

of course this means that...

I now have an Instagram, as well as a Twitter :)

Well I already told you guys I'm on Twitter.  But whatever, now there's easy access. Whoooop!

C, I got my free glasses from Firmoo today.

Four, I took a picture of my 12 Days of Christmas swap package that I shipped yesterday, and wanted to share it because it looks so darn purty.

Finally, and most importantly, I don't know how many of you are familiar with MamaLaughlin's blog.

She's pretty fantastic for a lot of reasons, but this month in particular she's melting my heart.

See, she and a couple other awesome bloggers have started this Pay it Forward Christmas thing, and people from all over have submitted stories of people and families who need help this season.  Some are just asking for prayers, some need a little more than that.

 This story in particular touched my heart:

"My name is Emily and I am writing about my sister Sarah. 

My sister had her 3^rd child, a boy, delivered a month early in November of 2011.  He was born in renal (kidney) failure.  

Over the last year (365 days) he has been in the hospital 108 days and had over 12 surgeries.  Most recently they deemed him unable to receive dialysis so we now wait for him to hopefully grow big enough to receive a kidney transplant. 

My sister lives in Des Moines, IA and my nephew Teddy has been treated all this time in Iowa City, over 2 hours away.  Our parents have both passed away so being alone during all this (I’m 4+ hours away) has been a struggle I wouldn’t wish on anyone. 

I know there are people everywhere with sick children but my sister has been the strongest advocate for her little man over the last year. Everything else in her life has had to fall by the wayside.  Her two other kids (4, 8) have been apart from their mom for so many days that my niece (4) now plays with her dolls and pretends they “reuniting” with their mommy while playing.  That’s all she’s done the last year is be apart and then reunite with her mommy. 

{Here} is my sister’s blog. She is an amazingly eloquent writer and while she wants really only prayers to fix her son, I would do anything to give her a smile on her face or on the faces of my niece and nephews.  I don’t have a specific wish for her, but something to brighten their days would be a huge blessing."

Please take five minutes to check out her site, and see what she's doing, and see if there is anyone you want to help this holiday season.

Keep tuned in to check out my second giveaway of December, and to check out some cool DIY gift ideas!!

Facing Reality.

{pintrest}

It's been about a week since my {Reality Check} post.
I posted about my real weight.  And my ideas to change that.
And in the last week, I've realized...
I don't really feel like changing it.
I don't think I'm fat.
I do think I eat like crap.  And that I often feel ill.
And that I'd like to change.
But basing it all on the numbers on the scale?
Nope.
Not gonna do it.

Coming to that realization was pretty freeing for me.  I stopped working out for a few days (sweltering heat = yeah fat chance), but tried to continue with my more healthful eating patterns, and I still feel pretty darn good. 

The other thing I realized, was that finding out how much I actually weigh and deciding it was too much, was a huge catalyst in finding out how dissatisfied I am with a lot of aspects of my life.
Sadly, they're all holes I've dug myself into.
And it's stupid stuff, like being constantly broke, having a disorganized & messy house, staying home all weekend because I am too broke to go out if I do get invites.

Migraines = missing work = no money.
no money + compulsive shopping = even less money.
BUT
eating better = fewer migraines = more work = more money.
more money + spending less = cleaner house due to less accumulation + even more money.

Or something like that.

{pintrest}

Reality check.

Today, I stepped on the scale.

Because I realized it was stupid to try to "lose weight" without having a damn clue about how much I weighed to begin with.

It was officially the most I've weighed in my whole life.

190.4 lbs

Are you kidding me?

I mean really. My damn jeans I've had for four years fit me.  Don't they? I wear the same three pairs every day...

And ok, that pretty red dress from last summer is a *bit* snug in the chest, but it still zips...

And yeah, I had to buy a new pair of shorts and they're kind of tight but they're junior sizes, which always run small...right?

NO.

Eff. That.

I refuse to live in a little bubble anymore.

I know I'm not morbidly obese, and I truly like myself a lot (mostly).

But there's no way I can weigh 190 pounds and pretend like I'm supposed to.

So I guess what I'm saying is...

Shit just got real.

 Yupp, that's me.  Wearing probably the world's worst sports bra, but when you have huge jugs, you gotta take what you can get...it's hard to find any in my size.  Ugh.

So, in an effort to keep myself accountable and really track my progress, I'm gonna take one of those pictures every month.  So I can watch my whale shrink back into a koi fish.
{i kid, it's not that bad}
But so I can at least watch myself shrink back into a size medium pant, and a size large top.
In junior sizes.

Also, I really have to do a better job of eating protein.
I kind of hate meat, and get sick of chicken after awhile so I'm pretty sure I go weeks at a time without any damn protein.  This week I've been working on cutting out some of the junkier food I've been eating too regularly, and replacing it with better stuff like salads, oatmeal, and yogurt (even though yogurt still makes me gag), so next week I plan to try to incorporate more proteins into my days.  Beginning I guess with eggs, because I just bought some and the last ones went bad before we ate any (i kind of hate eggs too...unless there's a ton of cheese, and i'm trying to eat less cheese since it's not really good for you in huge quantities).

Today, I managed to get in what I think is a pretty good starter workout.  Like I've posted before, I've been trying to walk on a daily basis, or near to daily.  I'm not a super speed walker, so I know it's not much, but since it's better than wasting all of my time on the couch I figure I'll give it a go.  In addition to that, today I did:
60 jumping jacks doesn't sound like much, but geez it's hard)
35 pushups (but girly ones)
40 crunches (because a sit up all the way isn't happening yet)
like 50 step ups (like 50 because i think it was more but idk)
30 mountain climbers

plus some light weight arm lifts, to help tone my arms. (20 reps of two things, so 40 reps)

Like I said...starter workout.
Ah well, Rome wasn't built in a day.
It's gotta start somewhere.

I be up in the gym...

Just workin' on my fitness.

{but really}

Ok, I have no gym.  Well, there is like a workout room where I work but after work it's always got boys in it...so I don't really want to use it.  Yet.  (although I'll be singin a different tune when it's cold out and I can't utilize the outdoors anymore).

So the day I decided to drop a few pounds (really, it's mostly because I cannot stand my boobs anymore.  I think they're starting to grow out of my bras again...I'm already a friggin' 38DDD. Yeah, TRIPLE D.  Epic, yes. Comfortable? No.) I found this website that's supposed to have the best and most supportive workout bras especially for well endowed ladies.  Apparently, well endowed only goes up to DD.  Which means, I have to lose boobs to fit into appropriate workout bras.

Seriously, who knew having epic boobs would create such problems?

{via}

Anyway.

I shared my newfound interest in slimming down a bit with my amazingly wonderful fiance.  You know what he said?  "Babe, I really think you're absolutely beautiful just the way you are.  But if you want to lose weight, I think you should do whatever you need to do." And I told him my hopes of dropping a cup size (or two) and that if losing weight doesn't help with that, I really want to get a breast reduction (which is the first time I've said that out loud by the way), and he said "As much as I'm a fan of your boobs, if you really want to get the surgery I totally support you, and I've told you before that since you complain about migraines and back pain so much it was worth looking into, to see if making them smaller would help with that."

Best. Fiance. EVER.

{Is it any wonder that I refused to wait for him to propose? I had to have him.}

So thus far on my "weight loss journey":

I haven't weighed myself.

I have taken several walks, without wearing my pedometer.

I have eaten yogurt, salad, fruit...

and a chicken finger wrap, as well as french fries, crescent rolls, and pierogies.

I am bad at this.

But!

My legs hurt today - a sure sign that walking is starting to work!

I haven't eaten after 7pm.

I have limited my snacks & avoided the vending machine at work entirely.

I have found a bunch of helpful information via Pintrest, as well as low fat recipes and the like.  I found a mini workout routine that you're supposed to do right when you wake up - and haven't managed to roll myself out of bed early enough for it since I found it Monday.  I may just do it after work today, as well as my walk.  That way I'm at least doing it, even if it's a different time!

You can follow my stuff on Pintrest {here}

{PS - Don't forget my giveaway!!}

Dear...

dear friday: can you be over now? so far, you're not being nice to me. how dare you cause me to impale my foot first thing this morning?  i don't care what you say, it wasn't my fault the piece of jewelry wire was on the carpeted floor... dear super amazing IT guy: thank you for setting up my new laptop and not laughing at me when i couldn't connect to the internet because i didn't turn the wi fi button on.  you rock. i definitely owe you.  dear mom: i hope you know how much i love and appreciate you, not just because you drive me around when i don't have my car or buy me cool tech devices.  dear hair: stop being unruly!!!  dear potato chips: seriously, stop leaping out of your back and into my mouth! i've told you, we can't see each other anymore.  dear sunday: please be awesome and let me earn a lot of money.  momma's broker than the oldest joke.  dear pomegranate and cranberry green tea: thank you for being utterly delicious.  dear fiance: i miss you. hangout saturday night?  xoxo

On a not Friday Letter kind of note...

Remember the Live Healthy Challenge?  Well the last two weeks have been all about healthy eating habits, and let me tell you, I have been failing miserably.  I start out every morning with the best of intentions - eat some yogurt and such.  (Yup, still choking it down.  I'm starting to kind of like the cherry kind even.)  But somehow I keep breaking down and buying chips or a candy bar or making something baked and not healthy once I get home (unless I eat a dinner of chips or something).  Yesterday I even purposely bought myself healthy (healthier) snacks for work: OatFit oatmeal (100 calories each package - super yummy too!), Special K bars (100 cals), Nature Valley granola thins (80 cals)...and walked to Subway for lunch (1/2 turkey sub, no dressing, on honey oat roll)...and still ended up eating an Almond Joy and chips.  UGH.  I don't know why I just can't seem to re-train myself to stay on the right track.

I'm not super concerned with my weight or anything like that.  I'm pretty happy with myself, and so is my fiance, but I just know that I'm not as healthy as I can and should be.  So I've been trying to push myself to eat better and get more (or some, because generally I get none) exercise. 

 But it's been a really hard road just trying to re-train myself.  Yesterday I bought ingredients for berry smoothies, (frozen berries, yogurt, juice) so I'm hoping that having one of those for breakfast and a healthier lunch will help to keep me on the right track!  And it has been a couple weeks since I've had soda! (Um except one small malibu & coke...forgive me, it was so yummy. and it was only one!)

So I'll be posting more in the next few weeks about how I've "tricked" myself into eating healthier and doing more exercise.  I haven't lost any weight, but my migraines have been pretty much nonexistant since I changed up most of my worst eating habits!  What are some of your favorite ways to stay healthy?

P.S. I've decided on this as my signature, because that's actually how I write my name in real life :)  T that looks like a 7 and all. 

Happiness is...

...being surrounded by your (many) siblings, the only people on Earth who can verify that all the stories you tell about your parents being crazy are true.

...your hometown.  Sure, you complain every day about how badly you want to leave, but then you wouldn't run into all of your old high school friends at WalMart, now would you?

...bare feet on your porch on an unseasonably warm day.  Come on, summer time.

...a really cute outfit, just for lounging around the house.

...watching your incredibly talented friends perform in what used to be a church.

...getting to marry your very best friend.  <3

Real women have curves.

False.

Real women come in different shapes and sizes.

Not all women were built to be a size 14 or more, just as not all women were built to be a size 0.

Skinny isn't bad.

Chubby isn't bad.

{AsYouWishPrinting}

Real women are healthy.

It's not about your jean size.

It's about how you feel when you wake up in the morning.

It's about learning to love yourself for who you are, not who you think others want you to be.

It's about learning to have confidence in yourself.

{via}

Real women are confident.

Size 20, size 2 - if you're insecure, it shows through.

A woman can be ugly at a size two, and beautiful at a size 20.

It's about attitude.

You can wear all the makeup and expensive clothes in the world, it doesn't cover up ugliness inside.

Be kind.  Inner beauty always shows through.

{mirilovelove}

...

Sometimes, I'm not too sure where my sudden passion comes from.
One day, I'm walking around all complacent and content with everything.
The next, I realize it's time to stand up and say something.

I'm not a size two.  Or a size 6, or even a 12.
I'm a size 14. (Except in my special pants.)
I'm often too large to fit in XL shirts in my favorite stores.
I'm too small to fit into plus sized clothing.
I'm stuck in the world of in-between.

But.
I am Beautiful.
I can say this with with conviction, because I know it to be true.
It's not because of my makeup, or expensive clothes (let's face it, I'm a label whore).
It's not because I've been blessed with a really great complexion, and my hair stylist is amazing.

It's because I have confidence in myself.
It's because I do my best every day to banish negativity from my life.
It's because I try every day to do something nice for someone else.
It's because I truly love myself, and who I am.
Getting there was a long and hard road, and I wouldn't change it for anything.
Every single step along the way, good and bad, have made me into who I am today.

My fiance's constant reassurances that I'm perfect don't hurt either ;-)

I know I'm not *actually* perfect.
I have many flaws.
I'm not always the nicest, most positive person in the world.

But I try to be.
I know that my voice alone can't change the world.

But if one simple thing that I post on the internet, helps one person who might be struggling with their self image, and their self esteem, then I have done my job as a human being to help someone else.
Making a difference can be as small as a smile.

Live Healthy Challenge.

So, I don't know if you know this about me or not...

but when it comes to making and keeping goals, I'm pretty horrible.

Like, last weekend when I wrote out some goals for the week? Yeah, I failed on all of them.

Though I was sick all week. So it was kind of hard to keep up on the "goal" thing when I was working on the "not dying" thing. Yaknow?

Well, at my work, they've started this new health initiative that includes this new "Live Healthy Challenge".

In the past they've done this Biggest Loser thing, which I wasn't around for, and it had a good response so they decided to start this.  Only this one isn't a weight loss challenge, it's more of a series of weekly goals to help teach/retrain you to live a more healthy and active lifestyle.

This week's "challenge" is to start keeping track of what you eat and how much exercise you get, by keeping a food diary and fitness journal.  I've kept food journals before when trying to pinpoint migraine triggers, but making sure to also keep track of how much activity I'm doing is new.

Today, the first day of the challenge, I've managed to write down everything I've eaten (and I didn't really do any exercise so I don't have to write that down lol), so I think this'll be a pretty easy way to start the healthy challenge.  And I started taking this new V3 vitamin thing that's supposed to help improve your energy & mood & decrease your appetite.  So we'll see if it does anything. 

{witandwhistle}
 The Jotter notebook I'm using to keep track of my food and fitness.

The bag I would buy for my workout gear, if I had any money at all. {giftshopbrooklyn}

 

I bought a pair of these yoga pants like three years ago, and I STILL wear them constantly.  These are just superb, and I soooo want another pair!  {herbandevi}

So tell me, what are your secrets for staying healthy and fit?

What are your favorite activities?

Style.ish.

I wish I had a day job that let me wear cute outfits to work.

Well, technically I could wear cute outfits to work, but since half or more of my day is spent out on the shop floor, digging up missing parts, the cuteness would be ruined forever.  No bueno.

So I pretty much wear jeans and some sort of tshirt that I don't mind getting wrecked every day.

Boring.

If I had a less icky job, I would want to dress like this

{via}

{via}

{via}



I don't really know why I decided to go with these pictures actually - they're like all wearing blazer type things, and I'm not a huge fan of those.

Anyways.

Here are some of my real-life inspirations. 

Cat. One of my bestest friends ever, she is such an amazingly beautiful person, inside and out...and she's always wearing the perfect outfit!!

My sister Nanci (here with her husband Paul - this is from their engagement session), always in the best outfit! Look at the cute denim dress with cowboy boots. Perfection.

And some pretty things I want to buy. ASAP.

BettyFloored

skylinefever

Actually, the pretty lady from the bottom picture is also one of my new style icons.  You can find her blog here {violetbella} and scope out her fantastic style and her awesome shops.

<3